Monday, October 29, 2012

The Church of Scamology: A Theological Doctrine Written in 12 Minutes

After doing some research on religion (well, seeing The Book of Mormon musical), I've decided to found my own religion, called Scamology. Here it is:

I. The Church of Scamology is a religious organization focused on one thing: Making a ton of money with as little work as possible. What, were you expecting some big philosophical essay?... Fine. We believe that the Earth was created in a giant explosion somewhere near Andromeda that resulted in the spreading of a force called "Ego" throughout the planet. So all the ego was floating around, without a job or purpose in life, before it finally fell into the oceans of early Earth life, growing as life grew, until it became a power wielded in some humans. Some notable people who wield massive quantities of ego include Tyler Perry, Sarah Palin, the main cast of Desperate Housewives, and Jesse Ventura. And uh, yada yada, space wars, some other stuff, to today, where we seek your money for our undisclosed cause.

II. Commandments and wisdoms
   1) Send as much money as you can to Ultimate High Priest and Lord of Life and Everything Nick Scroggs; checks, Visa, and Mastercard accepted. No money orders please.
   2)When in doubt, spend money on Church-certified prostitutes with official certification patches (see page 73 in the manual What the Hell is Scamology and Why Should I Give A Flying Rat's Ass?, available January 2013, for details).
   3)Thou shalt not marry others in order to get as much action/nookie as possible for all yalls, but thou shalt always marry their money (the divorce it so it can marry UHPLLE Scroggs).
   4)You are a child of the universe, though it'll always prefer your younger sibling who's more talented and popular than you ever were.
   5) Never trust anyone who still uses MySpace.
   6) All debates over who's the better captain, Kirk or Picard, shall be ended with a swift boot to the head.
   7) Sabbath will be every Saturday night, so we can catch that week's Doctor Who.
   8) Other than that, do whatever, we don't care, it'll be someone else's problem when you die.

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