Thursday, January 10, 2013

Alex Jones Speaks Out Against Rise of the Patriots(A satirical news article))

Making headlines once again after earlier this week where he traveled back to the 1930s while yelling at Piers Morgan on CNN, psychotic conspiracy theorist and part-time Ugly American stereotype Alex Jones is speaking out against the threat represented by the Patriots, a secret cabal that ruled the world in secret in the Metal Gear game franchise. Said Mr. Jones on hi radio show, "We have lived long enough in the shadow of these Patriots, who use the name to fool you into thinking they are patriotic, when actually patriots are people like me, who know the risks posed by foreigners such as commies and Orientals. They wanna put these tiny nanomachines doo-hickeys into every gun so that no one can fire them! Well, I say that we should destroy them all, and take steps to give every American training in battle like this Solid Snake (a real American hero, by the way), and personal Metal Gear robots for everyone! Let the government try to take away 300 million walking tanks, they won't, and the world is safe. In the meantime, I'm waiting for Grand Theft Auto 5, so I can kill some of those Los Angeles types who hate guns." After this, there was varying reactions from all sides, Glenn beck said something, but since he's an irrelevant hate-monger, it wasn't important. And Piers Morgan was sighted buying a  China Lake Grenade Launcher, his reason being "If he comes back to finish me off since I can't be dpeorted on his orders, I'll be ready" Representatives of Mr. Jones have no idea how he got his hands on the Metal Gear games,  which it turns out are very anti-war.

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